Deedee’s Holiday
VIII
I stepped off the jetway into Toronto Pearson, never happier to be out of a plane heading home. When Nikki and I were hopping around Europe, it was no biggie to upgrade to business class for the roomier seats. But I’d been so anxious about my subs drying up, I couldn’t make myself drop almost twice as much for a comfortable flight back to Canada. Flying was never a good time, even before I gained almost thirty kilos. The cramped seats, crying babies, kids kicking the back of your chair… Not to mention the peak dystopia that is going through airport security and customs.
As I trudged toward baggage claim, I heard someone call, “Deedee!”
My friend Kacey had been subletting my apartment while I was on my extended vacation and had agreed to pick me up from the airport. I couldn’t bring myself to kick her out, and splitting rent seemed like a smart move, so we’d also be roommates for the next six months.
Kacey wrapped me in a hug. She was so close to Nikki’s size I almost got pissed off all over again, but I think I hid my reaction well.
“Shit, girl, what happened to you?” She asked, holding me at arm’s length to take in… all of it.
“I know,” I said. “I got a little carried away over there…”
Kacey scrunched up her face. “No, I mean, you look great! How did… You know what? Let’s not talk here. Have you had breakfast?”
I’d barely eaten anything since my fight with Nikki, and my stomach was furious. “Not yet…”
After loading all my bags into Kacey’s car, we stopped at the first restaurant we saw after the airport traffic cleared up. We found a quiet table in the corner, and I sipped a mocha latte while we waited for our food.
I’d start my post-vacation diet tomorrow.
“Alright, spill,” Kacey demanded.
I gave her the recap video version of my European adventure. Running into Nikki, getting to know her, deciding to stay and travel together, and all the food we—but mostly I—ate. Kacey listened dutifully, making all the little smiles and gasps at each twist and turn. Our breakfast arrived before I got to the breakup.
“It all sounds so amazing. So Roman Holiday,” Kacey sighed. “And it obviously did you good.”
I swallowed my bite of omelette and scoffed. “Yeah, too good. Did I mention I put on thirty kilos since I left?”
“Oh, boo hoo. You gained weight and are still a total bop. If I put on thirty kilos, I’d just turn into a ball like my aunt—and I still couldn’t fill out a C-cup.” She waved her fork at my chest like a magic wand. “How big are those things now?”
“O-cup,” I muttered.
“O-cup!? Yeah, fuck right off. I wish I could travel the world eating exotic food and still look that good.”
She had me shook. Was Nikki right about how I looked with the extra weight? Was Kacey some kind of chubby chaser, too? Kacey had been way too extra about being an ally when we met to be anything but totally straight. And it didn’t seem like she was gassing me up.
Whatever, not like it mattered. I always got a little thick after a long trip. I’d go back to my usual routine—healthy diet, gym every day—and be back under sixty in no time. I’d have to be a little precious with my content until then, but I had tons of drafts saved. I’d have to rely on the face card to fill in the gaps until I got fit again.
***
“According to the uptime monitor, the service was only down for about ten minutes, and it was 2 a.m. on a Sunday, but still…” Shelby said.
“Isn’t that the third time this month?” Matt asked.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to sound reactionary, but I think we should look at other providers. What do you think, Nikki?”
To say I’d been half-listening would have been generous. Being back in the same timezone as my team was nice for the first few days, but I couldn’t stop daydreaming about being back there. Seeing new places, new sights, trying new food, but mostly just her, and how badly I’d fucked things. “Sorry, Matt, I think my connection cut out a bit. Could you repeat that last?”
Matt’s scowl passed so fast I thought maybe I’d imagined it. “The authentication server went down again over the weekend—I think we should consider switching.”
“Did you have an alternative in mind?” At first, I wanted to have an all-female company, but Matt was the best project manager I’d ever worked with. ”Reverse bias” wasn’t anything to brag about, after all.
“There are a few options—unless anyone has suggestions?”
A couple of the girls named some services they’d used in the past. Without checking the task board, Matt knew who had available cycles. “Alright, Brianne, could you research those options and see if any would be a good fit?”
“On it.”
“Thanks.”
I asked, “Does anyone have anything else we need to discuss?” Greeted with several seconds of dead air, I said, “Alright, I’ll let everyone get back to work.”
After a chorus of sign-offs, I got a DM from Matt.
Matt (3:47 p.m.): You got a sec?
Nikki (3:47 p.m.): What’s up?
Matt (3:48 p.m.): Can I call?
I clicked the call button, and Matt’s video appeared.
“Hey, what’s up?”
Matt hesitated, eyes darting away from his screen, then back. “So… I don’t want to overstep…”
I held back a sigh, certain I knew what this was about. “Go ahead, Matt. Speak your mind.”
“Well, it’s just… You seem distracted. Like, even more distracted than when you were overseas.”
I did sigh, then. “I know…”
“I don’t need any details,” He said. “I know we keep it casual around here, but if it’s something personal…”
“You could say that.”
“Well, is there someone you can talk to? Like I said, I don’t want to overstep.”
“You’re fine.”
“Do you want to take a few days?”
Work was the only thing keeping me grounded—what would I do with endless hours of free time alone in my apartment? But he was right; if I wasn’t present, what was the point of my being there?
“No, that’s alright. I just have some shit to sort out. Thanks for being honest with me.”
“Sure thing, Boss.”
***
Kacey was deep in studying when I got back from the gym. She glanced up when I walked in, a look of concern flashing across her face, but she offered no comment. She could tell I wasn’t enjoying my workouts like I used to, but we’d had that conversation half a dozen times already. She finally dropped it after the first few weeks.
“I made spaghetti,” She said, turning back to her books and notes spread out across half the kitchen table.
“I’m just gonna make a smoothie. Thanks, though.”
I was still over eighty kilos—it had never taken me so long to slim down. Granted, I’d never hit ninety kilos before. While my Greek yogurt, protein powder, and frozen fruit churned in the blender, I pulled out my phone. No new messages. No calls, obviously, but I did have over a hundred unread DMs. I’d stopped checking them regularly when my accounts started blowing up—most were just thirsty guys begging for nudes or describing things we could do together in disgusting detail. I took my smoothie to the couch and started clearing them out.
Horny guy, horny guy, gross horny guy…
Hi, Deedee, I noticed you haven’t been posting as much lately. Hope you’re doing well.
Well, that one was kind of sweet.
As I’d expected, most of the messages were trash, but I found over a dozen real ones. Most were like the first, well-wishes and good vibes from girls who could somehow tell I was struggling. I thought I kept up my persona better than that. Then I saw one that really sent me.
Hi Delia, I’ve been a fan for a few years, and I just want to say how much your content means to me. Your travel photos are so inspiring, and I love how you always find the cutest outfits for us bigger girls.
The message went on for a full paragraph like that. Legit admiration for my “body positive” content. There were several more just like it, and I flipped back to my page to swipe through the last year of posts. The views and likes varied as they always did, but I couldn’t see any difference in my engagement as I’d gotten bigger. The tight shots of mostly face and cleavage did better—the ones that didn’t get taken down, anyway—but the hauls and full-body videos were almost as popular. I tapped on the comments section of one of those.
🥵🥵🥵
So hot ❤️❤️❤️
😍😍😍😍😍
omg they’re getting bigger
ur so sexy bb 🥰
🍈🍈🥵🥵😘😘😘
Keep growing!
Most of it was pretty typical, but I couldn’t believe how many were for real cheering on my gain. Could I really keep my accounts going at ninety kilos? Or even more? If my fans didn’t care, why was I killing myself to slim down?
***
Kyley was already at the Bean Machine when I got there. Meeting in public had seemed like a solid plan—neutral ground and less chance of one of us making a scene. It wasn’t like our breakup had been some big, dramatic thing, but I couldn’t help thinking of my last conversation with Delia. Kyley pointedly ignored me, looking out the window beside her table while I waited for my coffee, so I checked her out, trying to be discreet. She looked mostly the same as she had last time I’d seen her, over a year ago. Same wavy blonde hair, if a bit longer, same heart-shaped face. She’d lost a few pounds, but she looked good. Her chest wasn’t as full as I remembered, but sharing hotel beds with a literal big-boob influencer for months may have thrown off my tit-o-meter.
She finally looked at me when I approached her table with my cup. “Hey.”
“Hey.”
Up close, I could see she still wore the same nose ring, but she’d recently gotten a manicure—all her nails were long. She must be back on guys.
“How was Europe?” Her tone was flat, as if talking to a stranger.
“Pretty fun. I did Oktoberfest in Germany.”
“I always thought that would be fun, though I don’t really drink beer anymore.”
“Mmm.”
“So, what happened?”
“What?”
“Well, you were gone for almost a year. Dating some model, allegedly. I’m guessing you asked to meet up because something went wrong.”
I sat in stunned silence, trying to figure out how Kyley knew about my extended trip and Deedee. But we still had a few friends who hadn’t picked sides, and even though we blocked each other on socials, it wasn’t like I could vanish for all that time without people talking.
“Is it really that obvious?”
“I’d say I have a fair bit of experience filling in the blanks when it comes to you.”
Ouch.
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I kind of fucked it up.”
“Who was she?”
“Do you know deedeehartz on Insta?”
“Shit, really? You were with her?”
“Yeah.”
“That must have been a dream for a girl as boob-crazy as you. The last pic I saw of her, she looked huge.”
“Yeah…”
“I’m guessing you had something to do with that.”
“Wait, what?”
“Nikki, tell me you’re not just now realizing you’re a chubby chaser.”
“I’m not… I mean… I thought…”
She stared at me flatly. “Christ, Nikki, I gained almost thirty pounds while we were together. Sure, it’s not like you pushed food on me or anything, but I could tell you were into it—you couldn’t keep your hands off me.”
My head was spinning. “Is that why you broke it off?”
“I think that was part of it, looking back, but really, it’s because you never let me in! You were always holding back, always keeping secrets…”
“What secrets?”
“I don’t want to dig all that up again, Nikki. Leave the past in the past. But you need to figure out how to trust someone. Figure out how to be truly honest with them.”
I stared into my coffee.
“And maybe be honest with yourself while you’re at it.”